My Father and I

and now you’re gone – released, let go

and now I can grieve

and now I can see you – in Brody, in Rebecca, Gavin, Robyn (their photos pop up on the computer screen saver as I sit down to type)

and your song plays in the background of my thoughts . . . “Some people say I’m a no count, others say I’m no good but I’m just a natural born traveling man doing what I think I should, poor boy . . .”

Now I digress,

It was you that was in my heart. I held you there. There were no daddies like you on TV: Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, The Dick Van Dyke Show. No daddies that got drunk. No daddies that got mad. No daddies that left. Why didn’t they ever tell me that some daddies get drunk, some daddies get mad, and some daddies leave?

But it’s okay now because I know that my daddy was an alcoholic, my daddy got mad, and my daddy left. And my daddy loved me. And perhaps, in his final time on earth, his memories of me and of Jimmy and Becky brought him some comfort. I hope they did.

I thought we would be able to maybe meet somewhere. Start over. Write a new story. I could be little again. We could re-do it. But it was up to me, now, to shift my perspective, and to free, liberate, release you from the prison of my heart. I took so many wheelbarrows full of you out of my heart, but you still remained as if integrated into the walls of my heart and I had to release those parts of you as if in “mist” form. I wanted to do it. I did do it. I just didn’t know you’d be “gone.” I am so sad now.

And maybe it is the tears that flow so freely that will fill up that “empty” space in my heart now.

“Can’t forget, won’t forget what I did for love . . .” It is not all sad though.

Lyrics to A Chorus Line- What I Did For Love :

Kiss today goodbye
The sweetness and the sorrow
Wish me luck the same to you
But I can’t regret what I did for love
What I did for love

Look, my eyes are dry
The gift was ours to borrow
It’s as if we always knew
And I won’t forget what I did for love
What I did for love

Gone, love is never gone
As we travel on
Love’s what we’ll remember

Kiss today goodbye
And point me t’ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love
What I did for love

Love is never gone
As we travel on
Love’s what we’ll remember

Kiss today goodbye
And point me t’ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love
What I did for love
What I did for love

Soulful Women Midwife Ritual

I approach the Temple. The guardian at the door speaks to me and I release my clothing and my “body” at the threshold. I am a being of light. And I take my place among the other women there and notice that it doesn’t matter at all to them that I am “different” (a light being). They simply welcome me as one of their own.

We sink our roots into the 3-D earth, and raise our branches to the great cosmic blackness, the mother womb. It is there that we meet the Weaver Dreamer, in her spiderweb-like magenta robes. And she offers each of us our own unique thread. (I notice that this thread now “clothes” and “embodies” me. ) My thread is fullness, wholeness, all of me, a creative gift. Her message to me is a song, “we are the weavers, we are the web, we are the flow, and we are the ebb.” And another song, “dream weaver . . .” And it becomes clear to me, I am a Weaver. (of dreams)

And as we return to the earth plane, there is another guardian, the midwife, and she asks what I want to manifest here (birth) and I tell her: offering myself – giving! And she asks me if there is any resistance. She wholly supports and encourages me as we breath and moan through the “labor pains,” releasing, letting go. It is my heart where I hold the most resistance. And she encourages me and holds my hands and finally I know! My body knows what to do. I put my hands on my thighs and I just listen and go with my body – it knows! it knows!

And then she hugs me tightly from behind and we both hold my heart very tightly, and the message is: “trust” – YES! yes – trust! I love and trust and honor my body. I fill the hole left from releasing with this new truth, trust.

And then a soul agreement rises from my belly: I stand in my power.

And I stand, and act out, dance “my” song:

[With my arms raised to heaven]
Here I stand brave and strong,
guided by my own heart song.
[chorus]
My heart sings of love,
My heart sings of joy,
My heart sings of righting (writing) wrongs,
My heart sings a beauty song.

[With my hands cuddling my heart, and I put on my prayer shawl like a hug, and I rock back and forth]
I am the cow, gentle and
bringing great gifts for man.
[chorus]

[Dancing all around]
I am the moon, constant yet
every changing, strong and bright.
[chorus]

And I “raise my hand” and I tell the whole group. And I sing them the first verse and chorus. And I am shaky now, just like after Matt was born.
10/5/11

You may say I’m a dreamer . . .

I’m taking Jean Houston’s class, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, and as we prepared for the class to begin, they asked us to think about the wildest dream we could imagine coming to pass by the end of the 7-week course, November 18. Well, I wrote it down, and the next day, before the class even began, my wildest dream request was answered. I remembered Oprah telling someone who had their dreams come true, “You need to dream bigger.” So, in the early morning hours of October 5, these “bigger” dreams came to me and I recorded them as best I could:

dream bigger: a world that “works” for all (all are lifted up in their “own” way that works best for them – we want it for our brother or sister just as much as we want it for ourselves, and all of creation is our relation) – all means all – there are many paths, all are honored, revered, supported – just the beginnings of community and relationship – many actually experience “the rapture” or “the shift” or “the awakening” and they do not leave, disappear, but stay, remain, and share it with all – it ripples out and out and out (reconciliation – the doorway to heaven) Jean talks about the butterfly and the imaginal cells and the mush. I have a vision of “holding hands in prison.” I think we must all enter the cocoon together and there are many of us here who will invite others to join us. (This all seems quite odd to me.) Avatar movie: “I see you.”

dream bigger: something entirely new crystalline, radiant, brilliant, shining – all of creation living its’ “Highest Purpose” – together – a shared vision (heaven) We can imagine it! And some are living it, holding the space, the energy, already, but they cannot do it alone. It requires us all. This is more “hidden” – “elite” in a way (“just” placeholders). The bulk of the “work” (heavy lifting) really needs to be done by all of us waiting together by the door. But the heavy lifting becomes lighter and lighter and easier and easier as the trailblazers clear the brush, make the way for others. Welcome, invite them. Lift them up – it’s not too hard!

dream bigger: and this “earth” becomes/is very “attractive” and there are co-creative joinings with different aspects, levels, realms, places . . . (there will need to be new words, or language or symbols or methods of “communication” – “beyond” that, like the taming of fire, the wheel, the advent of language for humans, the industrial revolution, social networks . . .) (beyond heaven, an even more intimate rendezvous with God than we can even imagine now.) We can even imagine this, some even are beginning – some pioneers (scientists keep coming to mind). Buzz Lightyear – “to infinity and beyond!”

“you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day we’ll join up, and the world will live as one. . .”

And there is a place . . .

And there is a place, where we drum and dance and sing a new reality into being. We are “out of time.” (And some feel as if we are running out of time, as in it’s almost too late, hurry, hurry, rush, rush. But, (never start a sentence with And, or But) it is a failure of language, a glaring example of it’s limitations, because what it actually means is that we are in a place outside the realm of time, a place where “time” does not exist, or is perhaps best described as simply irrelevant. And, oddly enough, the more mundane “out of time” meaning is not really “untrue” either.)

We stand at the threshold and realize that we must go through the door together. We must all go through the door together. All means all. We can sense the quickening, the flutter of new life. And the gathering (together) has begun. The gathering has begun . . .(And perhaps this is also known in some circles as “Shift Happens.” ;-))

I Stand in My Power

Imagine me, standing tall, with my arms and eyes raised up to the sky. The sun is rising, and just cresting the horizon behind me. There is also a vast expanse of water behind me, pinks, purples and blues, with a yellow sun also reflected in it. And there are mountain ranges behind me in the far distance. And I say these words aloud, for all to hear. They are my soul agreement, my commitment, my touchstone, my foundation.

I Stand In My Power

– To Allow You To Stand In Yours
– To Allow Us To Stand In Ours

we oui whee WOW

Free at last! (liberated from judgment by a simple 3-step practice)

One of the speakers on Peace Week at the Shift Network was Miki Kashtan, co-founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication. She gave us a simple 3-step practice to use when faced with conflict. These are the notes I took during the call.

Example, Have judgment of someone – they are reckless, abusive, . . .Judgment causes a distance, disconnect between us, so

Step One: get grounded in what is most important to us, has deepest meaning. Judgments tell us something, give us information, not about other, but about ourselves – what we most value. So if judge person as non-collaborative, means I deeply value collaboration. If judge abusive, value acting with care. If think unconscious in wasting resources, I value conscious use of resources. Get grounded in that, to give self fuel, to connect with other person.

Step Two: Ask myself: What might be leading another human being to act in way that is so difficult for me? Why are they doing this? What is their fundamental need that is leading them to take this action? Then, when recognize, they become human and I am so much more able to connect across the divide of our difference. Then, I will be more likely to approach in love rather than hate, and they are much more willing to be able to hear, rather than being distant, defensive, self protective. The more you are able to do that internally, the more it will affect interactions and relationships with others in positive way. Can say things in sense that shows I care about what matters to them too, not just what matters to me. Start envisioning policies, practices that support world that works for everyone. Consider, “what can be done, from smallest scale to largest (creating peace), that takes care of everyone, even those I oppose”?

Step Three: Choose, based on that, how I want to respond to the situation.

Other Comments, Questions:

Been thinking a lot about power. I am person in power. Regardless of how much I intend to share power, many people give their power away. Found more I can encourage people to say “no” to me, more I am sharing power.

If I define power as ability to make something happen, to mobilize resources – then everyone needs power. Depends on how define power.

Another example – stopped conversation because not enough love in room. Either, shift, make empathic shift, or, realize gone as far as can, for now – let it go – come back later. Takes time, step by step, day by day.

Reconciliation? Beyond forgiveness (some notion of person being wrong) – this dissolves the separation between us – completely reminds us of our shared humanity, so can reconcile. For true healing, need to be heard by them, or another, fully, about pain I have suffered.

Someone who triggers anger – how deal with?
If want to focus on anger, get in touch with value underneath anger and keep bringing self back to that value, need, then you are more able to connect with self and soften what is happening.
If judging self for being judgmental – then, can do the same thing – why are you doing that, because you care so much for peace? Then, bring your attention to that, and again, it softens.

 

Crash, Bang, Fight and Ted E. Bear

This story is the result of a spiritual direction session that occurred this morning, in my journal, between a very patient, wise, kind me, and a very shy, very young part of me. This shy youngster so much wanted a new story but was too shy to explain. Her bear, Ted. E. Bear, was the one who was able to ask for the story and who ultimately actually wrote the story. (It is in a wholly different handwriting in my journal, very blocky looking print, with no editing or corrections.) Ted E. Bear asked for a “crash & bang & fight & hero story.” Here it is. (I cried at the end, as you can imagine.)

Crash, Bang, Fight and Ted E. Bear

Bang is a loud car w/ exhaust like gun. Crash is car in demolition derby. Fight is big Army tank & Ted E. is, well, he’s the owner of all these – he has them in his garage. And Bang also has a funny a-ooh-ga horn – I’m gonna fix the exhaust & just make loud sounds that way now. Crash really likes to crash sometimes. Me too. Like bumper cars! Fight is kinda weird. I think he wants to just go in parades & be with the clowns & horses – yes – the rodeo day parade & he wants to be one of the really fun ones everyone likes – handing out candy & money to everyonenot just a few! whoever wants it can just have it!

A few of my “birth day” gifts

Today I journaled in a new, fuller way, based on the seven steps in a book called Writing Down Your Soul.

We were given a new prayer. We used to say: God is the love I am the love God is the love I am the God . . . Now we say: we are the love, we are the love, we are the love, we oui, whee, WOW.

And two songs come to mind. First, “This is my song.”

Why is my heart so light?
Why are the stars so bright?
Why is the sky so blue
Since the hour I met you?

Flowers are smiling bright
Smiling for our delight
Smiling so tenderly
For all the world, you and me

I know why the world is smiling
Smiling so tenderly
It hears the same old story
Through all eternity

Love, this is my song
Here is a song, a serenade to you
The world cannot be wrong
If in this world there is you

[Chorus:]
I care not what the world may say
Without your love there is no day
So, love, this is my song
Here is a song, a serenade to you

[Instrumental]

The second is by Ricky Byars Beckwith, “Blessed Always,” and is sung, with everyone in the congregation holding hands, at the end of each Sunday service at New Thought Center for Spiritual Living.

Blessed always, blessed always,
For the arms of God surround us.
May our joy be so triumphant
That we rest in God and say “Amen.”

Oh, you must be Jody’s mom

More pieces of the puzzle. Thank you.

Today as I was walking I noticed a converted van style RV parked in front of someone’s home, being loaded up. I’ve always imagined having such an RV, so I went over and asked the man walking from the garage if I could look inside. Bill was so welcoming and gracious. He showed me all around, told me about all the features. This is his third one and it’s just right for two people (I also noticed a dog bed, smile). It’s on a Dodge chassis and is called an Xplorer, but the company went out of business a couple of years ago. His last one caught fire when they were filling the propane. State Farm Insurance reimbursed him in full though and then he found this one – a 1999 with only 9000 miles on it. He was packing up to head to Rocky Point with his wife on Wednesday.

It was such a fun “connection”! And I remembered very vaguely something my mom had told me about my making friends with all the neighbors when I was little, so I called her.

Yes, she told me, I loved meeting people. When Susie (my best friend) and I were big enough to be out on our own, apparently I would befriend all the neighbors. When my mom would meet them later, they would say, “Oh, you must be Jody’s mom.”

I told her that somewhere along the line I had become afraid of people, but maybe I was getting that love of meeting people back. She wondered if being a public defender might have contributed. I don’t think so. I think that was more about facing my fears. And more about opening my heart. It certainly broke my heart (open, eventually) to think we treat one another in the ways we treat “criminals.”

I told her that in trying to find my authentic self it seemed like it may be useful to go very far back, to my childhood. She asked me if I didn’t think all parts of me were part of my authentic self. Now that is a very good question, and a very good point. I said that I thought some parts were more like “masks” or “coping mechanisms.” But she may be right. I will keep an open mind on that. (Some inner part of me knows she is right.)

She also told me that I was the one who started (the leader of) a protest in the school cafeteria over boy-girl seating when I was quite young. That made me remember one time when Susie and I staged a protest at her house, with signs and arguments prepared: Butt is not a dirty word.

I also remembered one of our neighbors. I think her name was Edith and she was what we used to call an old spinster. I somehow sensed her isolation and loneliness. I remember leaving my childhood May basket on her door, anonymously, as a token of love I guess.

And another memory comes. There was a boy in my class in 3rd grade who had warts on his hands. He was teased in a very mean way. I made a point of holding hands with him on the playground. Oh my . . . .

Reconciling, perhaps —

What does it mean to me?

victim-witness mediation (all mediation)
no “lines” (separation)
CNVC – Center for Nonviolent Communication
forgiveness, truth, communion, love
win-win
a world that works for all
standing for something and against nothing
the phoenix – death & rebirth
resurrection
grace
redemption
honor, respect
Byron Katie — The Work (Loving What Is)
Dalai Lama — kindness
Sufi gates — true, necessary, kind
freedom
all is one
god is all there is
Thanksgiving — receiving the gift
realization
just letting go . . . .