My Father and I

and now you’re gone – released, let go

and now I can grieve

and now I can see you – in Brody, in Rebecca, Gavin, Robyn (their photos pop up on the computer screen saver as I sit down to type)

and your song plays in the background of my thoughts . . . “Some people say I’m a no count, others say I’m no good but I’m just a natural born traveling man doing what I think I should, poor boy . . .”

Now I digress,

It was you that was in my heart. I held you there. There were no daddies like you on TV: Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, The Dick Van Dyke Show. No daddies that got drunk. No daddies that got mad. No daddies that left. Why didn’t they ever tell me that some daddies get drunk, some daddies get mad, and some daddies leave?

But it’s okay now because I know that my daddy was an alcoholic, my daddy got mad, and my daddy left. And my daddy loved me. And perhaps, in his final time on earth, his memories of me and of Jimmy and Becky brought him some comfort. I hope they did.

I thought we would be able to maybe meet somewhere. Start over. Write a new story. I could be little again. We could re-do it. But it was up to me, now, to shift my perspective, and to free, liberate, release you from the prison of my heart. I took so many wheelbarrows full of you out of my heart, but you still remained as if integrated into the walls of my heart and I had to release those parts of you as if in “mist” form. I wanted to do it. I did do it. I just didn’t know you’d be “gone.” I am so sad now.

And maybe it is the tears that flow so freely that will fill up that “empty” space in my heart now.

“Can’t forget, won’t forget what I did for love . . .” It is not all sad though.

Lyrics to A Chorus Line- What I Did For Love :

Kiss today goodbye
The sweetness and the sorrow
Wish me luck the same to you
But I can’t regret what I did for love
What I did for love

Look, my eyes are dry
The gift was ours to borrow
It’s as if we always knew
And I won’t forget what I did for love
What I did for love

Gone, love is never gone
As we travel on
Love’s what we’ll remember

Kiss today goodbye
And point me t’ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love
What I did for love

Love is never gone
As we travel on
Love’s what we’ll remember

Kiss today goodbye
And point me t’ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won’t forget, can’t regret
What I did for love
What I did for love
What I did for love